A Self-Defeating System
Dec. 30th, 2009 05:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sethgraySo, as I mentioned, I finished my first book yesterday. Unfortunately I cannot tell anyone in my family about it. Why's that do you ask? Simply because it has gay content in it and I'm not out to most of them. Ah, I can hear you say, but isn't the solution to that problem easy?
No. No it is not. I know the closet is self-defeating, I know that it's hurting more than just me, that there's this huge chunk of my life that I can't ever share with them. I know that, really. But the thing is? I'm not all that upset about it. Oh sure, I'm frustrated and mad at myself, but not enough to rock the boat. The status quo may be flawed, but it's working for me right now.
But of my problem is, I'm not a big risk taker. I'm not coming out to my parents until I'm absolutely sure I have a place to say if things go south, just in case. Not that I expect them to take it badly, but it's just too much of a biggie to worry about. Can't be homeless, after all. The closet is a lot more complicated than the gay party line says it is. It's not about shame, it's not about self-flagellation, and while there is some fear involved, it's not really about that, either. For me, it's about caution, and having all my ducks in a row.
Maybe they'd be cool with it, maybe they wouldn't care...but what if they did care? It's just too much to think about, to process. My fragile human mind can only handle so many what-ifs at a time. Better to let this one happen as it happens, I think. At least for now.
No. No it is not. I know the closet is self-defeating, I know that it's hurting more than just me, that there's this huge chunk of my life that I can't ever share with them. I know that, really. But the thing is? I'm not all that upset about it. Oh sure, I'm frustrated and mad at myself, but not enough to rock the boat. The status quo may be flawed, but it's working for me right now.
But of my problem is, I'm not a big risk taker. I'm not coming out to my parents until I'm absolutely sure I have a place to say if things go south, just in case. Not that I expect them to take it badly, but it's just too much of a biggie to worry about. Can't be homeless, after all. The closet is a lot more complicated than the gay party line says it is. It's not about shame, it's not about self-flagellation, and while there is some fear involved, it's not really about that, either. For me, it's about caution, and having all my ducks in a row.
Maybe they'd be cool with it, maybe they wouldn't care...but what if they did care? It's just too much to think about, to process. My fragile human mind can only handle so many what-ifs at a time. Better to let this one happen as it happens, I think. At least for now.
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no subject
on 2009-12-31 01:32 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-12-31 11:09 pm (UTC)